take a deep breath and let it out slowly

I'm gonna be ok.

I really believe Turtle is bipolar. He flips off at the drop of a hat. Yesterday about a freaking klondike bar. One of the kids ate one without permission and he then called my 7 year old stupid. When he's not in one of his episodes he's amazing with the children. But when he is having episodes he is insane. I sat there and watched chaos unfold infront of me and thought to myself "I can't do this anymore. It's not fair to my children". I asked him to leave. He left. This time he took ALL of his things. I really don't think he'll be back.

I'm a mix of all sorts of emotions. Relief, devestation, terrified, worried.... I could go on all day. I love him, well the "good" him. My children love the "good" him. It's overwhelming to be 31 and single with 4 kids now. I'm not ready to date someone obviously but I can't help but think "who the hell is gonna want me, I have 4 kids!". Financally I'll manage. He hasn't really been making any money the last 6 months or so anyway. I'm just going to miss the good times and the good turtle.

I'm scared for Aiden, my youngest son. I worry that he lost his daddy. This is a valid worry because Turtle has a 2 1/2 year old from a previous relationship and hasn't seen her (aside from in court for child support hearings, which he didn't interact with her at all) in over a year (it was about this time last May) and prior to that it was Xmas eve 2008. He was never close with her. He wasn't with her mother when she was born and the most time he spent with the child was at my urging early in our relationship and he has admitted that he only did it to impress me. Once we got a house together and I was pregnant is when he stopped seeing his daughter. It just sucks because Aiden knows his daddy. Today he was talking about him. I know he's young (11 months tomorrow) and he can/will forget him, but it doesn't erase the fact that one day he's gonna want to know his dad and he probably won't have one. My mother is trying to think positive and believes that he will stop and see Aiden, maybe not for a few days but that he will. She believes he loves him. I believe he loves him. I do. I've seen him smile excitedly at Aidens new accomplishments. I've seen him scared when he was sick. When he had pneomonia in November and they were debating on if he needed to stay in the hosptial we fought over who was gonna stay with him and who was going to stay with the other children (he ended up being released late at night and going back in the am for a re-check). But all of that means nothing because I truly believe Turtle has a mental disorder and though he loves his son I believe he will put himself first and stay away to "punish" me.

After last weeks drama I tried to convince Turtle to seek help. He listened but was unwilling to budge. I believe he finally knows he is bipolar, but is a stubborn sob and wont get any help. He listened to me talk about it, which was a first, but that was it. If someone would back me up and tell him the same maybe things would've gone differently. His family is an odd bunch. They're useless. His parents let him drop out of school and move out at 16. No one in his family (parents included) have a high school diploma or GED even. They are not very bright at all and live in a strange little world. I rarely interact with them. I never liked going to their house. Its cluttered and messy and "undone". His dad starts remodel projects and never finishes them. So for almost 2 years they've had plywood on the living room floor because they ripped up the carpet. Not baby friendly at all. They have a billion cats. They are outside cats in the summer and indoor cats in the winter. IT's like a freaking zoo in there. They rarely bother with Aiden and focus more time and attention on Turtle's daughter. I live 5 minutes away and Aiden has seen my family that lives 10 hours away far more than he's seen them.

I'm trying so hard to put all the drama behind me and take it one day at a time. I'm focusing on my health. Him not being here keeps me more motivated and I don't have him sabatoging me. I got up at 6:30 this morning and did my wii fit (yoga today) followed by a few songs on just dance. I stopped in time to make sure I had time to shower before the older kids left since I hate showering when Aiden is awake and he doesn't nap until 9:30. That's a long time to sit in a stenchy mess.

My emotions are a mess. I'm run from being ok with my decision to get rid of him and then I get devestated. I just keep reminding myself it's for the best and that I need to focus on my children and my health.

ps I lost the weight that popped on yesterday and was 191.6 before bed and again this morning. Stupid humidity! That brightened up my morning.